One of the most pervasive cultural myths about human fertility is that women can ovulate spontaneously and conceive at any given time; therefore, they need to be “protected” with reliable birth control 24/7. This fallacy is particularly deceptive when we consider that it is actually men who are fertile 24/7 and women who are fertile for only a few days each cycle! The major reason why this myth persists is … big Pharma and their enablers- our gynecologists and the medical care system. Big pharma refers to the biggest pharmaceutical companies with the highest revenues; these companies spend more money on marketing, lobbying and advertising than they do on research and development (spoiler alert: to the tune of USD 10+ billion per year!). These multi-national companies profit from each IUD inserted into someone’s uterus and from every form of hormonal birth control which is used on a daily basis. If there are over 300 million users of these methods, doing the math should is easy.
Picture from: Freepik
More than a year ago, the U.S. Supreme Court reversed the historic Roe V. Wade decision, robbing women of their constitutional right to abortion. Fifteen states in the U.S. have since criminalized abortion and many have made it a crime to help women and minors get an out-of-state abortion. Furthermore, many states are making it difficult to obtain emergency contraception (Postinor, Plan B), and other generic forms of contraception. The politics of pregnancy is changing the practice of medicine. As a result, many new ethical issues about unplanned pregnancy, pregnancies at risk and abortion are resurfacing in new and frightening ways. Which brings me to my story.
In 2018, a woman named Gabrielle Blair posted a tweet: “Men are 100 percent responsible for unwanted pregnancies.” A Mormon mother of six, Blair argued that men have a central and inseparable role in causing unplanned pregnancy and she called for a reframing of the conversation about gender and sex, contraception and abortion. Blair’s tweet went viral and eventually became a book, “Ejaculate Responsibly” that was published this past year. Blair’s sublime but radical mantra is that men need to be active participants in the conversation and decision-making about birth control. Her message is spreading and sparking discussion and debate in a way it never did before.
Men and women alike have been brainwashed for decades to believe that the burden of contraception is/should be on us females- because it is our bodies that “get pregnant” when it is really more accurate to say that their bodies (and sperm) “get us pregnant.” Cultural and societal norms prioritize male pleasure and agency over women’s pleasure, health, safety and autonomy. Women pay a huge price for having to worry about contraception 24/7, and to add insult to injury, when unplanned pregnancies occur- the shame, blame and stigma belong to women alone! Think about this ugly truth and the burden of contraception falling solely on women, as does the burden and responsibility for unplanned pregnancy and abortion.
Picture from: Freepik
40-50% of all pregnancies in the world are unplanned, which explains why abortion rates are so high. It is not necessarily true that women do not use reliable contraception; it is often the case that contraception is not easy to use. Birth control methods can be expensive for many, time-consuming to access as well as risky and even painful. Hormonal and IUD methods can cause a myriad of side-effects, which can affect one’s quality of life. In the U.S. contraception and emergency contraception are becoming increasingly difficult to obtain.
Blair contrasts this with the reality of male methods. Yes, there are cultural stigmas and a lack of education and awareness about the male’s role in taking responsibility. Yet condoms are widely accessible, affordable and they don’t require a prescription. They also don’t wreck havoc with one’s body or hormones. So why don’t more men use condoms? Because men strongly dislike them. Condoms interfere with spontaneity, dull sensations and can reduce erections. So while both sides pay a heavy price for “protection,” it is men who have yet to step up and own their biology by realizing that every sexual act they engage in can lead to pregnancy. A woman’s ovulation and orgasm cannot cause a pregnancy, only men’s ejaculation and sperm can. According to Blair, it should be seen as a “bigger deal” when someone ejaculates inside another person’s body. Somehow, our culture has prioritized male privilege, power and a right to pleasure over those of women. And we haven’t even mentioned the importance of condoms for preventing STI’s and those two other male methods, withdrawal (pull-out method) and vasectomy. All three male methods can be used safely and effectively.
Picture from: Design Mom
It is time to lift the veil of our ignorance about the differences between male and female fertility and begin a deeper conversation about men’s role and responsibility in preventing unplanned pregnancy and abortion (yes, the conversation becomes more nuanced when we consider Jewish law, which generally prohibits the use of male methods).
If we truly believe in equality and justice, all couples should be negotiating safe sex in a caring, mindful and responsible way. We used to think that safe sex was mostly about about education and counselling for using methods correctly and consistently. It is not just an issue of access. If men could ejaculate in a more conscious way (link to article), sexual relationships could be more balanced and fair, based on joint responsibility and respect. Such a paradigm shift could lower unplanned pregnancies and prevent abortions altogether. Society will not usher in this change. Only women can change this power imbalance. When women align their attitudes, behaviors and expectations with their personal values and needs around sexual health and pleasure- then men will listen and adapt. As long as women continue to put male pleasure and comfort before their own, e.g. giving in to men who don’t want to wear condoms, the status quo will continue. The power to create such change depends on our intentions and goals. This requires parting from traditional social conventions and roles about male privilege and standing up for ourselves.
What can you do, today, to move this conversation forward?
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